I hate guidos.

Blowout haircuts, wifebeaters, tweezed eyebrows, lip gloss, gold chains, big trucks that make up for small dicks, going to the club when they can't dance, calling everyone "cuz", doing the same fucking pose in every picture they take.

"Guido" is a synonym for "douchebag".

1: Blowout haircuts. - Get a new fucking haircut, you douche. I live in New York... and every September, there's this street fair thing on a main avenue here. EVERY fucking guido douche has the same haircut. Girls actually find this to be attractive? Guidos are infamous for hating "moolies", making racist jokes about black people and saying they all look the same. News Flash, dickbag... you and your popped-collar buddies all look the same thanks to your retarded haircuts.

2: Wifebeaters. - These should be called "Girlfriend-beaters" or "Bitch-controllers". Any musclehead schmuck guido who walks around in a wifebeater all day is most likely the epitome of what the shirt's name describes. I've seen these idiots before. They tell their girlfriends who they can and can't talk to whether on the phone or online, they walk down the street with their arm basically smothering their girl (because he knows that if his girl every got a brain and realized how much of an insecure douche he is, she'd leave his loser ass), and they ALWAYS scream at their girl on the phone when she does something they don't like... usually ending by telling their friends, "She's lucky she's my girl, yo... I'd smack the shit outta her right now." Stop it, you fake fuck. You probably already DO smack the shit outta her in private.

3: Tweezed eyebrows. - Not much to say. Women do this. You shouldn't. You're fuckin' gay. Women don't like guys prettier than them. Maybe your boyfriends like it, but girls don't.

4: Lip gloss. - See "Tweezed eyebrows".

5: Gold chains. - No one except your shallow gold-digger of a slutty girlfriend cares how much money you have or how much coke you buy with the money you have. You have money, good for you. You spent it on a huge gold chain, you're a dick.

6: Big trucks that make up for small dicks. - Kinda self-explanatory, no? Go ahead, guido... ride around in your Hummer. All it says is, "Hey ladies! I might have a small penis thanks to all the drugs I do or just bad genes, but I have enough money to make you take your underwear off for me anyway!!" I laugh at you. Oh, and stop blasting rap music out of your trucks. Your vehicle might be black, but you're definitely not.

7: Going to the club when you can't dance. - Stop that. Go to the club, try to pick up some slutty girl (because that's all you're gonna find there. If a girl goes to a club LOOKING for a guy and gives you her number, she's a slut. Problem is that you have SO little self-respect that you don't care and don't want anything with any substance), but stop dancing. The "guido fist pump" is NOT a dance, and it's NOT cool. It's called that by the people who make fun of you douches because you CAN NOT DANCE!! Thanks for helpin' us out here... we love when people just don't get it. We're not laughing WITH you, we're laughing AT you.

8: Calling everyone "Cuz". - Please, I'm not your "cuz". By seeing you wear and do all the other things on this list, we KNOW you're Italian. You don't have to remind us by calling everyone you meet "Cuz". Thank God I'm not related to you. I might turn emo and kill myself. Maybe then I'll be REALLY cool... cuz I'd be your "cuz", which means I'd be a (OH JOY!!) Guido, AND I'll be cool since ALL the cool kids and cutting their wrists and killing themselves. What more could one ask for?!

9: Doing the same fucking pose in EVERY picture they take. - It's always one of 3 poses.

A: Holding a bottle of beer and pointing to the side with the same hand...

B: Making a gesture with your hands that looks like a gun. Oh, and the gun is being held sideways, of course.

C: Arms all the way out as if to say, "I love myself THISSSSS MUCH!!!"

What's worse is when any of these are combined. Like the arms outstretched... with the "gun hand" on one side, and holding a beer in the other hand and POINTING TO THE SIDE OR TO THE CAMERA!!!

Oh, one more thing I failed to mention at the beginning of this blog:

10: Puckering their lips in pictures. - Women do that. Stop it, you fucking homosexual. For Christ's sake, just take your pics with guys from now on. We all know that's who you'd rather be at the club with, we all know that's who you'd rather having sucking your dick, and we all know that's who you'd rather have putting their finger in your ass.

By the way, I'm NOT referring to respectable people of Italian heritage who can actually speak Italian fluently and come from traditional Italian backgrounds. I'm referring to douches who are like, half Italian, who only know half of an Italian phrase, and wouldn't know Italian traditions if they were shoved up their asses.

Don't get me started on Albanians, by the way. They dress and act like Guidos. Stop it, get your own douchey culture.

~JD